Mom came over for dinner tonight and she and Jen spent much of the night berating Charlie Sheen. I feel bad because I didn't come to Charlie's defense and remained quiet. I shuffled Mom along home and called my buddy Charlie over for a cigar.

I had to overcome my guilt over not coming to The Machine's defense (Charlie earned that nickname based on his sexual stamina) by crank calling my Mom with him. We had some laughs, man....

Here are some of Charlie's best recent quotes. Here's to you, Charlie the Warlock.

• “I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”
• “I was banging seven-gram rocks, because that’s how I roll. I have one speed, I have one gear: Go.”
• “Can’t is the cancer of happening.”
• “I am on a drug, it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
• “The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children.”
• “I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.”
• “I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people. People who aren’t special. People who don’t have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.”
• “If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’
• “It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm.”
• “If you love with violence and you hate with violence there is nothing that can be questioned.”
• “The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning,”
• “Just winning every second,”
• “Winning, anyone?”
• “Duh, winning!”
• “[CBS] picked a fight with a warlock.”